Have you noticed that there is a smooth surface in organisations. What you see are people being polite to each other in meetings and the corridors. What is really going on? How come so much of the time organizations fall short of the goals they have set themselves. Why is this? Is incompetence that widespread, or are companies just deluded about the goals they set?

Could the explanation for this situation lie in an understanding of what men and women in the workplace are thinking and feeling below the polite surface. A lot of this has to do with how men think and how women think – about other people of the same sex, and about the opposite sex.

For men, there are fundamental games that they have been playing out for tens of thousands of years. They might all be dressed up in suits now, but the game goes on. We have attempted to change the game by changing the rules with anti-discrimination laws and Fair Work legislation, but the game continues. And what is the game?

The game is primal: kill or be killed. This ancient drive to survive and conquer is still a significant influence in how men operate and relate in the workplace. It is often masked, and that too can be part of the war game, because if the real aim of your conduct is seen, you can be the one who is annihilated.

For women, there is also a primal game. It is about winning, and it is often about winning against other women. Women often express surprise that a successful woman was not willing to help them to achieve success; they think that women want to support other women. But in the primal game, other women are the opposition, not the comrades.

When you put men and women and these primal games together, the results can be explosive. Both men and women find it difficult to bring these games to the surface and acknowledge them, because we all need to maintain the polite pretence that all is well. (And we need to avoid anti-discrimination claims.)
There is an alternative. This is not the only way to play at work. These primal games are based on the belief that if someone wins, someone has to lose. So if you don’t want to lose, you have to beat someone. It’s personal. The alternative is essentially human. It is the power we have as humans to choose how we will act and respond in the world.

The new game is win/win. The problem is few people truly know how to play the win/win game. For years we have been told to play win/win and I agree however it’s easy to say and extremely hard to do without unwavering commitment. If we work on the basis that the other person can get what they want without stopping me from getting what I want, a new way of relating in the workplace can arise. We can play constructive games where we can be honest with each other, we can care about others, and magically, we may find that our organisations start to achieve their goals.

Win/win is a hard game to play and is the most rewarding when everyone joins in. Use the comment section to share a when your commitment to win/win has improved your life or someone else’s life.